Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Doubt.

It's a hard thing to deal with. How do I know? Because I deal with it all the time. I'm just gonna be honest here. Which isn't easy. Doubting my salvation and doubting God is something that goes on in my head alot. And it's terrible. I hate it. Sometimes I think, "Man. Satan is attacking me with this doubting stuff" and then I think "well...maybe it's not Satan...maybe it's the Holy Spirit convicting me." And it's always a constant battle between "Oh I for sure trust God with all my heart and I'm completely in love with Him" and "Do I really believe it? And do I really live my life like I believe it?" Often thoughts run through my head about how I just wish I could actually see God. Like...actually experience His presence physically. I know He's always with me...but sometimes I just want to physically know He's there.

I feel like I'm like that disciple in the Bible..Thomas..or Timothy...or something like that. The one who doubts and said he wouldn't believe that Jesus was raised from the dead until he actually saw the scars. And that's exactly how I feel most of the time. I feel like I just can't grasp how real God is until I see Him face to face. He's real. That's for sure. I see Him work in so many ways. If you just look around at creation you can see how everything spells out that there is a God. And I know this. But sometimes I think that maybe I just sort of accept it as something I've grown up being taught so of course it's true. And that's what makes me doubt. Alot of times I think that maybe I don't really believe it, but that I've convinced myself I do since I've never known any different. I've grown up hearing nothing but how great God is, how real God is, how loving God is, how just God is, how perfect God is, how merciful God is, how sacrificial God is, how awesome God is, how majestic God is, and the list goes on. But have I just accepted this to be true and not actually taken it to heart? Not actually thought about it so deeply that I can do nothing but fall down in awe? Not actually been so overwhelmed by it that I simply cannot help but believe it with all of my heart and throw all my doubts out the window? I worry about this sometimes. Alot of times.

It gives me joy when I wake up hearing people talking or moving around. Why? Because I know the rapture hasn't happened. How in the world are these my thoughts when I wake up? I don't know. My mind is just so minuscule and I will never ever ever grasp how real and big He really is. I think sometimes I sense that I don't understand and it transfers over to a sense that I don't believe. Two completely different things. The fact that Jesus rose from the dead is not an easy thing to comprehend. Not in the least. So when I find myself having a hard time grasping and believing that, does that mean that I'm not really saved? No...it just means that I have such a tiny, finite mind that I cannot understand how something like that could happen. I can't understand what God is like because all I know is humans. I can't understand how something is so much bigger and greater than us because my mind thinks in time frames...it doesn't think in eternity. It literally hurts my head to think about how we will live with God forever.

Forever.

Stop and think about that word for a minute. We use this word so lightly. How many times have you said, "Man, this car ride is taking forever."? Let me guess...you were in the car for no more than a few hours. Forever. Think about it again. It's a long time. And it probably hurts your head too.

So what I have learned while writing this blog post is that just because I can't grasp God doesn't mean He isn't in my heart. When this thought comes across to me as, "Wow. I must not really believe Him," I need to stop and remember that no one on this earth truly knows about God. Yes, lots of people have a relationship with Him, talk to Him every day, trust Him with everything in their lives, and focus their entire life goals on Him. But no one really knows God. There is so much to know about God, and those on this earth, myself included, haven't even scratched the surface of who God is.

So if you're reading this and you too are having trouble with this awful thing called doubt...take heart. Don't be discouraged. Remind yourself of who God is. Realize that you'll never fully get who God is. Focus your thoughts on Him so much...read His word to find out more about Him...get to know Him better than you do now...talk to Him more now...talk to others about Him...think on His attributes...rid yourself of any thoughts of doubt...and just know that He loves you. God is real. More real than you can imagine. He makes it difficult to really trust Him. If we could see Him, it would be so easy to put faith in Him. But God wants those who love Him enough to follow after Him, even if we can't see Him. Everyone would do it if we could...just because you can see instant results and you have a guarantee. See that's the thing about humans. We want instant guarantee. With Christ you can have instant guarantee. It just takes more faith than the instant guarantee that your poptart will be warm after putting in the microwave for 5 seconds.

If you were at the top of a cliff about to jump off, planning to be hooked to a bungee cord, you'd want to see that you were attached. You wouldn't close your eyes and just let someone say, "Alright you're hooked in." You'd actually have to see it to make sure the person was right. That's how we are. We're skeptical. We don't put faith in just anything. But God isn't just anything...God is a sure guarantee, whether we can see Him with our eyes or not. We put our faith in sports teams. I personally put way too much faith into sports teams. When UNC plays State I have not a doubt in my mind that we can win. So why can't we put all of our faith into the one who was, and is, and is to come? The One who created billions and billions of galaxies? The one who put over a hundred muscles in a caterpillar's head (yes, I've been reading Crazy Love if you recognize that line)? My mind is so tiny that I'll never understand how tiny it really is. And that's just how life goes. We have to focus on who God is and how big He is. How real He is. And remember that we'll never grasp it all. And that that's ok...we're not supposed to be able to grasp it.


Sorry for those of you who came to my blog to read about China, not about doubting. Maybe tomorrow I'll blog about our great day today. If the rapture hasn't happened....Because clearly I'm working on erasing any shadow of a doubt that I won't be included!!

The Bible says that faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains (Matthew 17:20). If that's enough to move mountains, it's enough to trust Christ. Help me out in working to a doubt-free life. Encourage me. And I'll encourage you. Together the church of God can do great things.

3 comments:

  1. Wow, Anna. Such an honest post about such a common problem. Great job putting it into such poignant words. There is a "rest" for the people of God that can only come with "belief." It seems that most believers struggle with doubts of many different kinds. "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief" should be the prayer of us all. I love you!!! Thanks for keeping up the blog. Can hardly wait until baby blog posts begin to appear! Maybe today! :)

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  2. I love you. And you're kind of brilliant.

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  3. wow Anna. This gave me chills. encourage me and I'll encourage you..sounds like a plan! :p Praying for you guys!!!

    -Hannah. E

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